Sunday, May 18, 2008

Pain in the Ass, Peace in My Heart

What do you do when your ass is all blue?

A whole lotta Arnica and extra padding on the desk chair. Forget the pain relievers. I don't want to relieve the pain. This pain is my inspiration, my incentive, my story. This pain is for you.

It had been a long time since I attended a sex party by myself. At least six months. In fact, it had been a long time since I had been to a sex party at all...about four months. I took care of the latter with a trip to Club Tantra with Charlie last weekend. We became members back in the fall, and finally, finally made it to one of these events, after they moved into a new space and changed their policies and inexplicably left us off the mailing list. Meanwhile Charlie wanted to explore polyamory and I wasn't sure because it was all so old yet frightfully new and every mention of the p word or a date with another woman were like little knives in my heart. After I realized this was not what I wanted, I uncharacteristically spewed out my feelings uncensored and raw, throwing my truth onto his highway in the middle of rush-hour traffic. I could've made it unscathed or crawled away broken and left a part of myself to die at the side of the road. When you're already trembling, the worst possible consequences don't seem quite as scary. You either close your eyes and jump, not knowing where you will land, or stoke the volcano inside, which never did anyone any good. My love was at stake. It was time to jump.

"I can offer you so much! I can offer you me and threesomes and group sex and parties and kink and fantasies and all the sexual exploration you desire and more, but if you want to date other people and have other romantic relationships without me, I can't handle that right now. If that is what you want I respect that and I support you theoretically, but emotionally I don't support it. I can't explain it, it doesn't make sense, but this is how I feel. If you want to date other people one-on-one right now, I'm removing myself from the equation."

Through the quakes of our breath he uttered, "Stephanie, I want to be with you."

You could say I gave him an ultimatum. I hate ultimatums. The person on the receiving end is trapped in the ultimater's either/or with no real choice. But the universe works in magical ways. Just as I was stacking my cards of clarity and desire, he was thinking about the tryst he had experienced the night before. Lovely, but empty. Functional, but uninspired. Our epiphanies converged with perfection. My truth clarified his truth so he did not have to stop and think and weigh the options before choosing me and everything else. If I had offered only me and none of the extras, I probably would have gotten run over. But our bodies buzzed for each other and we were merely on the phone. Our bodies knew the truth before our minds. We couldn't wait to see each other again. It seemed like three years, though it had been only about 24 hours. What better way to celebrate our reconnected bliss than with a sex party sealed with a kiss?

Thursday, May 8, 2008

The Final Act

It was a lovely Thai restaurant, quiet and serene. Aquariums in the corners, cushions on the seats. We chose a table in the back room, away from the crowded front, away from the windows and street. Only one other table was taken, across the room. And there was only one waitress, a sweet, middle-aged woman who couldn't stop grinning at us.

We sat next to each other on a cushioned bench, pawing each other like cats in heat.

"What if you got under the table and started sucking my cock..." Charlie mused. "Do you think anyone would notice?"


"It's so outrageous, nobody would expect it."

"My feet would be visible though..."

I lifted up the tablecloth and ducked a little over his lap as if I were going to prove my point.

"You're not actually..."

"No, of course not."

We finished dinner. The other diners left.

"We're all alone now."

(kiss, kiss, meow, grrrr, cuddly buggly boo...)

"I want to fuck you."

Dessert came. One coconut custard and one sticky rice with mango. Delicious. We barely had a taste when the waitress came over to tell us she had to run out to make a delivery. She gave us the check and said she would be back soon.

We didn't waste a moment. Well, maybe a few.

"You could suck my cock right now."

"Just like this?"

"There's no one else here, besides the cook."

"What about the people outside..."

"They'll never think to look."

I leaned right over and dove in, looking up now and then at the passersby on the sidewalk.

"Don't worry, I'm watching...I'll let you know if someone's coming...oh yeah, oh god...don't worry..."

I wasn't worried. My furtive glances toward the street were expressions of titillation. If only they turned their heads and peered into this restaurant, what a shocking feast they would see! But who would stop to look in a restaurant that was practically closed? His castmates, perhaps? But who would even think sex was happening inside? Oh, but the idea that someone might, out of boredom or curiosity or despair, stop and look for a moment, and see my head bobbing up and down on his lap, made me wet. That and his divine cock, vulnerable as a stray dog in the rain. Exposed, exposed, exposed, with no one noticing but me.

"Even if they looked, they wouldn't see anything way back here anyway...I'll let you know...if someone's coming, just start laughing...they'll never know the difference," he said.

A few moments later, some movement on our right prompted me to lurch up and burst out laughing. He leaned over and started babbling, "Hmmm this sticky rice is so good, I think this is the best sticky rice I've ever had..."

"Oh yes..."

The cook went back into the kitchen, I went back to my mission, and he came in my mouth with time to spare.

"That was the best Thai dinner ever!" We sang praises to our waitress, who was still grinning when she returned.

Who would suck a cock at the table in a restaurant? Not under the table, but at the table?

Why, who else?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Total Woman

On Sunday I went to see my love Charlie perform in a play in upstate New York. After the show, I snuck into his dressing room. When he came in, he closed the door and locked it while I provocatively installed myself on the counter. He came over and his cock was in my mouth before he was out of his costume. We hadn't seen each other in three days (an eternity when you're in love) so we were both as frisky as squirrels in Spring. Charlie bobbed like a marionette at the mercy of an invisible string connecting cock to mouth and mouth to breast.

"I shouldn't be...ohhh...I can't...oh yeah..."

He should've been striking the set. But he couldn't stop stroking me.

How irresistible is the man who can't resist me! At the sight of a perky nipple or tuft of pubic hair, blood drains from his brain to his cock, and he turns into a helpless schlmeil. I don't mean that in a derogatory sense. What happens is this: the power of biology reduces male mental faculties to the fulfillment of a primary need. As this need dominates the brain, all other thoughts, needs, and obligations disperse into confused particles of intelligence that have no place to go. Even a genius is vulnerable to this twist of nature. If he is in the middle of saying something, and I slip a strap off my shoulder, accidentally revealing my breast, he forgets the words that were on the tip of his tongue. He tries to retrieve them, but he can't even remember the subject of the intelligent stream that moments ago, flowed smoothly from his mouth. His mouth regresses to infancy, wanting the breast and nothing but the breast. I'm no scientist, merely an observer of men. I can't think of a better way to describe this amusing spectacle.

Two more points on this subject.

1. A man is far more likely to exhibit this behavior around a woman with whom he's madly in love. (More pheromones = a greater gap between the penis and the brain).

2. A woman is far less likely to exhibit similar behavior around a man she loves...because women have different primal needs. She needs to maintain a higher intelligence throughout sexual play in order to choose the most evolutionary fit father for her children. If not, she may end up with children on Ritalin (or an undesirable lover if children are not on her conscious mind). Unfortunately, too many women ignore the "intelligence" nature has provided them.

I'm not saying I never become flustered when my lover gazes at me with his soulful eyes or plows toward me with a bulge in his pants. Oh I can be a bumbling fool at times, but I feel like I can always pull back--let me rephrase that--I feel like I can usually retreat from primal lust. He may be at the mercy of his cock, but I am not, unless I choose to play the submissive. My brain is almost always in command of my pussy.

On this occasion, I felt even more in command because I was on the first day of my period, when aching uterus and horniness combine to create an empowering feeling of female-ness. Full and tingling with the heavy hormonal lightness of being, my primal body enhanced rather than diminished my mental acuity. Hence a balance of forces simultaneously inflated and belittled by the almighty, insignificant COCK.

How he squirmed in my arms! He was caught between the pleasures of me and the responsibilities to his fellow castmates, while I could've stopped at any moment. There are few better aphrodisiacs than having this kind of power over a man, especially when in public, when our actions are within the radar of people who might find out, either through direct witnessing or speculation based on clues such as a closed door or a girlfriend sucking on a strawberry with Lolita-like suggestiveness, or the flustering gestures and overly compensating transparent words of the guy who was supposed to be assisting in breaking down a theatrical set.

How vaudevillian it was when he closed the door and ran to me with an arrow in his pants, then opened the door and pulled his shirt down and stuffed costume pieces in his bag while rambling on about what he had to do next! And how arousing it was when people walked by as I teased him with puckers of my lips and undulations of my hips! We knew they must've known, or at least had guessed that something unprofessional was going on, and this knowing was all part of our act. What happens on stage is not half as interesting without an audience, or at least the possibility of a witness to the action. Whatever might have been happening in the dressing room was undoubtedly confirmed by our displays of giddy affection in the theatre--our furtive squeezes and smiley kisses, our back and forth whispers of exciting things to sickeningly cute we must have appeared.

So we made a plan.

While he was finishing up his actorly duties, I would await him in the lobby, where he would meet me and we would both slip into the ladies' room to resume the unfinished business we started in the dressing room. All went well as we successfully bypassed the lone wandering theatre employee, and planted ourselves in the handicapped stall, where I promptly began sucking his cock. He was maybe three minutes away from orgasm when the distant cries of hungry actors forced us to disband and join the cast for dinner. He exited first, feigning coolness. I heard him say, "It's in the bathroom with Stephanie." Then I nonchalantly emerged to find an actor wondering about his sweater which he had given to Charlie who had brought it into the why on earth would the sweater be with me in the women's room? The actor must have been wondering this but nothing was said.

Charlie and I laughed at the hilarious obviousness of antics unexplained as we headed off for dinner. At the grimy Irish pub, the undercurrent of suspicion flowed plainly through the banter and jokes and Charlie's several mentions of us having just drinks and an appetizer because we were saving ourselves for a romantic dinner for two at one of the classier joints up the street.

We tripped out of that pub with sex in our bones, and laughed at the inevitable gossip we left behind. They must have been skewering us! After all, theatre people live for subtext. The idea that they were laughing about the sweater made us even hornier, as we contemplated the whereabouts of an unfinished blow-job...

Monday, May 5, 2008


Last night I did something I've never done before. I sucked a cock. In a restaurant. At a table. No, not under the table. At the table.