Monday, June 9, 2008

Sunday in the Park With Charlie

Sexually speaking, there are two types of people - those who have fantasies and those who live them. It is certainly easier to be in the latter category when you have a partner who shares your sense of erotic adventure. So when I told Charlie I had been fantasizing about being taken by him in a natural setting such as a park, taken from behind in broad daylight as I lean against a tree with my dress up over my ass, while people are picnicking unaware beyond a cluster of bushes, invisible but near enough to hear a muffled orgasmic moan, he said, "Mmmmmmm...let's make it happen."

I had it all planned out in my head. We were going to a 1920s Lawn Party at Governor's Island on Sunday. I knew exactly what I would be wearing, and I knew that he would be looking dapper in rolled up shirtsleeves and parted hair.

Ragingly horny beneath our Gatsby-like decorum...we take a stroll, arm in arm, in search of a discreet patch of grass where we may satisfy our desires. We find the perfect place just when I realize I have to pee from all the wine and lemonade I drank at the picnic. Alas, there are no public restrooms. Just as I'm about to tell him I'm going to do it behind the tree, he grabs me and kisses me passionately. When I break away I feel some pee escape. Giddy with love and vague intoxication, I hold up my dress and let it go, releasing a hot stream right through my vintage black lace panties. Although I didn't mean to wet myself, I'm not embarrassed. I like the way it feels, and I like it even more because he's watching me and seems to be enjoying my performance. I can tell from the bulge in his seersucker pants. When I'm finished peeing, he approaches me and slips his hand between my legs. He rubs the wet silk over my pussy and moans as he begins to stroke himself.

I back up toward the tree. He turns me around and pulls my panties down to my white stocking calves. The next thing I'm aware of is a wet knob of flesh rubbing against my ass. I know he wants to be inside me. My pussy is aching for penetration. The risk of someone or several someones strolling our way, along with our covert style of public pleasure arouses me even more than if we were doing the same thing privately naked at home in our bed. So I bend over and push him into me and he fucks me ravenously as I use the tree for support. Maybe he pisses on my ass before he enters me. Maybe I play with myself and come with my cheek against the bark. Or maybe he finds the angle cumbersome or someone almost sees us, so he pulls out and whisks me around. Through discreet whisperings of desire, we find a more secluded spot in a thicket where he lays his jacket down before I collapse on the grass bed. There he screws me in a passionate frenzy, our rhythms reflecting every erotic moment we have lived before, in another time, another place, another body. We may be the stars of a vintage silent porn film that a 21st century libertine will watch at a sex party in 2008. He thrusts me into ecstasy and a few moments later pulls out and shoots his timeless load all over my cunt.

Chronology and details may vary, but in every version of this fantasy, one thing never changes: my stockings and shoes never come off.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Ten Years Ago

A college reunion is a useful prescription for nostalgia, but it has many side effects.

1. AMNESIA: On Friday night, my gay college friend Alec regaled our group with tales of yesteryear, such as the time he and I approached a frat house with the intention to partake in the cultural activities therein, and we were unceremoniously rejected. According to Alec, I sat down on the curb in front of the house. When a frat brother approached to shoo us away, I said, "Why do you assume I'm waiting for you to let us in? Maybe I'm just looking at the stars." Of course I was being snide. I don't remember this at all. Alec remembered incidents with startling detail, names and faces and conversations that had long ago disappeared into the bleak blankness of my confused youth. My other friends, though equally shocked at Alec's superhuman recall, still remembered far more than I did. "Oh my God! I have amnesia!" I announced. I remember more about my year abroad than my three years at Gettysburg. Maybe it's because I spent five years writing a book about that year abroad. Maybe it's because I remember what I don't want to forget.

2. NAUSEA: It wasn't just the Farnsworth Inn Civil War-Era Game Pie that tied my stomach in knots. It was the annoying couples with children who set up diaper stations wherever they pleased. (You look familiar, but I'm not acknowledging you because you have nothing to do with baby. Look at us though, just look at us! We showed up for the class photo just to prove that we came but we're skipping all the socials. No need for socials when you're a happy parent. Socials are for those sad people who don't have babies. Baby is everything! Nothing else matters! Who are you, and why don't you have a baby?) It was the young alumni who look exactly the same. They looked forty in college; ten years later, they still look forty. It was the class of 1983's unplugged version of Jimmy Buffet. It was the visual overdose of khaki pants and polo shirts. It was a middle-aged frat boy hitting on my married friend. It was the poster of Carson Kressley in the library (class of '91) juxtaposed with the LGBT reception of three: two plus me. It was feeling like I was the only one who had significantly evolved since college.

3. DISORIENTATION: I can't be fully self-expressed here. I haven't passed out a single "Lust Life" flyer. I didn't belong here then and I sure as hell don't belong here now. I belong with the other outcasts who never set foot on campus again since graduation, let alone consider attending a reunion. But if that were true, why am I here? I guess I belong in a bizarre sort of non-belonging way. My God, that was another lifetime.

4. EMBARRASSMENT: On Saturday afternoon, I attended the GALA (Gay and Lesbian Alumni) reception, naively hoping I would meet a young, sexy queer woman to invite back to the B&B. Sadly, only two other alums showed up - a gay man from the class of '58 and a lesbian from the class of '73. They talked about how challenging it was to be gay at Gettysburg when they were students. I told them I didn't even know I was bisexual at the time. I had attractions, but I repressed them. Even in the late nineties, queers were invisible at this predominantly straight, conservative college. Alec dated every gay guy on campus. I think he had three student lovers (wait, make that two; one was a college employee). Although the GALA event was embarrassing for the college, it was the highlight of my reunion. I met two fabulously fascinating people, including one former film critic for the LA Times. When I make my feature film, I'll send him a copy.

5. REGRET: Why did I go to this school? What on earth was I thinking? If I had to do it all over again, I would've transferred to...If I had to do it all over again, I would've applied to...If I had gone to a liberal university in an urban environment or a small women's college, I probably would've tasted pussy a lot sooner.

6. LUST: At the Saturday Night All-Campus Alumni Dance, a sorority chick flirted with me. She told me her husband thought I was hottest thing on the dance floor.

"Who is your husband?" I asked.

She pointed him out. I went right up to him and introduced myself.

"My wife's an asshole," he said.

I pretended not to know what he was talking about. "I think she's great," I said. "You married her."

I left him alone. A little later, she came up behind me and grinded against my ass. "That's for my husband," she said.

We bonded at one of the picnic table bars. "You know, if you're going to be with the same person for fifty years, you have to flirt," she said. "You can't just ignore that know?"

"Oh, I know. I have a boyfriend, but we have an open relationship. We have certain agreements."

I almost told her I was bisexual. I decided to make a move instead. So I started dancing with her. I took her hands and she slipped right into the grinding thing again. I imagined she did more than grinding with her sorority sisters and she misses that now that she's married to a man.

"My husband's not here, so it doesn't matter," she said.

"Oh yeah?" I turned to face her. "You mean it doesn't matter because I'm a girl..."

"You're cute," she giggled.

"You like girls..." I said.

She smiled. I probed further, "Your husband would enjoy this, wouldn't he?"

"Oh yes, he would..."

That's as far as it went. I wasn't that into her. My flirtation was more for the novelty of seducing a sexually repressed straight woman. And to make a point about my sexuality. (Look at me! I like girls! I didn't admit it in college, but now I do!) And because I was missing my lust life at home where I'm not starving for lack of sexy queer women.

7. NOSTALGIA: On Saturday night, my friends and I sang our alma mater while watching fireworks rain shrapnel over Memorial Field. We all learned something that night. None of us ever knew that patch of grass behind the Bullet Hole snack bar was called Memorial Field. Isn't it wonderful? College education never ends. As softly the evening shadows are veiling the campus towers...ah, beloved Gettysburg! (Some side effects reflect the original symptom.)

8. RECONCILIATION: If I hadn't gone to Gettysburg, I wouldn't have met the fabulous friends who helped me survive my ten year reunion. If I had gone to NYU or Sarah Lawrence or Bryn Mawr, I probably would've conformed to the artsy open-minded norm and developed into a cliche feminist dyke. Or I would've felt lost and transferred to a more familiar school like Gettysburg. It doesn't really matter now, does it? One thing is certain: if I hadn't gone to Gettysburg, you wouldn't be reading this blog. A good story is always worth the price of regret.