A few nights ago, I dreamed that I was writing a book entitled, The No Guide Book to Dating: 12 Non-Rules for Dating, Not Dating, or Whatever.
I woke up remembering every word and wrote it down immediately so I wouldn't forget. Besides the fact that my mind is occupied with writing a book about my dating life (Lust Life: One Woman's Journey from Small-Town Prude to Big-City Libertine), I think this dream might also be a reaction to all the stupid Cosmo-style dating books on the market. The title is actually not so absurd, considering it came out of a dream. If I were to take it as an omen and follow the title with a book, it could be a very funny spoof on dating guides, or not. How about this...
1. Do not call him back. Ever. If he truly wants you, he will stalk you.
2. Always ask on the first date, "Do you take it up the ass?"
3. Be sure to remind your date (and yourself) half-way through the date that you are actually on a date, not just "hanging out" or "hooking-up."
4. Be honest. If you want to skip dessert and bring her straight home to use her as a guinea pig for your new strap-on, say so. Even if you hardly know her. Holding back will only cause strife later on in the relationship.
5. Have sex on the first date. That way you'll know right off the bat whether or not you're sexually compatible.
6. Make eye contact.
7. Keep your mouth clean.
8. Wash down there.
9. Booty calls are for twenty-somethings. If you're over 30 and single (or partnered or married), it's time to have an orgy and write about it.
10. If you're not dating, don't think you are. It could be confusing to those friends you fuck.
11. If your goal is marriage, don't even bother dating. Just choose someone based on your gut feeling, their looks and astrological chart--you'll probably stay married longer than if you were to do that dating thing which sets up all sorts of false expectations.
12. Dating is supposed to be fun, so if it's not, you're not dating, or whatever.
I'm eager to hear your thoughts, dear readers...now I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll wake up with an entire book in my head.